Are you a parent who values excellence? If so, maybe you’ve fallen into some of the same traps I have…
- Pushing too hard (especially myself)
- Modeling overscheduling, overcommitment and a “stressed out” state
- Accidentally putting pressure on my kids to excel
I make no apologies for valuing excellence (and neither should you), but I do regret the way some of my kids absorbed my nervous energy surrounding it. Over the years, I’ve been learning to unravel the tightly wound “high performance” culture that had me captivated in favor of a healthier, more balanced approach.
One day when I was nagging one of my sons to be more productive, he made a comment that stopped me in my tracks and hit me to the core. He asked, “Why can’t you value me for who I am, instead of for what I do?”
The truth was I deeply valued him for who he was. Exactly as he was. He could sit on the couch and do nothing but breathe and I’d still love him as fiercely as ever.
But the tragedy was that he didn’t know it and at that moment he didn’t feel it.
I’ve done some repairwork and “unlearning” the white-knuckled pursuit of excellence and so have my kids. For example, one of my sons made it a goal to NOT get A’s in the college classes he cared less about. It was his way of giving himself permission to focus on his main goals even at the expense of other “hoop-jumping” type tasks. I say good for him! Good for all of us who refuse to let the pursuit of excellence steal away our humanity, our health, our relationships.
I still value excellence, but I value health and sustainability more.
In my pediatric practice, I focus on helping high performing kids and teens overcome anxiety and build resilience. If you have kids or teens that could use some more resilience, here are some resources I think you’ll love:
- An upcoming #LifeSkillsNow virtual summer camp (June 13-17th), where I’m specifically addressing the topic of “Mastering Peak Performance Without Crashing.” Over 10,000 families have signed up to participate! Register for #LifeSkillsNow (free for a limited time) at https://bit.ly/LifeSkillsCamp.
- My online program “Resilience School,” in which kids and teens can learn over 20 evidence-based resilience tools from the comfort of home and at their own pace! Hundreds of kids have successfully gone through this program, with measured improvements in mood, calmness, sense of connection, & self-kindness. Learn more at https://drmarywilde.com/anxiety-courses
- The upcoming free workshop series “Parenting Anxious Kids,” helping parents learn how to help their kids break free from anxiety & find the best treatments. Register at https://drmarywilde.com/resilience. I hope you can join me!
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