The word discipline originates from a Latin word meaning “instruction.” Our aim as parents is to instruct our children well–to teach them habits, skills, and principles to help them in their lives. Our ability to meaningfully influence and inspire our children ultimately grows out of our relationship with them. (See this insightful link about how “Time Ins” may be more the answer than “Time Outs”).
I try not to get caught up on nitpicky rules. Usually, common sense and a few foundational principles are enough (like “showing care and respect for people and things”). All smaller expectations tend to stem from these. Such a framework gives children a sense of security (though often they push against it as if to see that it’s still there). By confidently and respectfully maintaining wise boundaries–especially when demonstrating the self-discipline to live by these guiding principles ourselves–we set a credible pattern for our children.
When children misbehave, we can ask ourselves, “What lesson needs to be taught or reinforced?” Rather than scolding or nagging, we can utilize new and engaging ways to teach. Recently, when two of my young sons were arguing, instead of once again asking them to stop, I read them this poem (one my grandmother used to tell my mom when she was little). The arguing naturally stopped while they attentively listened and didn’t continue after the poem was done (at least not for a while!).
Teaching is a continual process; even as one item is mastered, another issue seems to crop up. Here are 3 helpful steps for disciplining or instructing children to behave wisely and well.
- State the expectation
- Set up an environment that supports the expected behavior, making the unacceptable behavior less likely, less possible, or less problematic
- Reinforce the expectation by noticing wise behavioral choices and, when needed, allowing/creating reasonable consequences to poor ones
Illustrative example: As a young preschooler, one of my sons went through a brief stage of throwing his dish if he didn’t like the food offered to him. By the third time it happened, I was quite infuriated. Though I generally try to make healthy meals I think my family will enjoy, I can’t pander to every individual taste. In this case, I firmly stated my expectation (#1): “Food is for eating, not throwing”. I did not allow my son to participate in the subsequent activities until he picked up his dinner off the floor and I did not offer him a replacement meal (#3). Initially he refused, so I navigated around the splatted mashed potatoes until he was ready. (If he had been too young to clean up the mess, I could have at least had him help me or substituted another doable & related task). When children are too young to fix a problem created by their behavior, then #2 becomes especially important. In the food-throwing scenario, for example, I could position myself close enough to quickly remove any food about to be thrown, I could choose plastic plates and tableware, and I could avoid dishing out food that has been verbally refused (without necessarily offering an alternative), etc. Ideally, we go through the steps in a relatively “cool and collected” manner (at least outwardly), because over-reaction tends to backfire!
The process of teaching is a continual one, but over time lessons usually do sink in. I remember the surprising realization that one of my particularly squirrelly sons actually had matured enough to sit quietly through an entire concert performance. This day had come after many reminders and much practice over the span of years, but it had come! Similarly, I marveled this Thanksgiving that after years of involving the boys in the Thanksgiving meal preparation, the dinner was seemingly “making itself”–I only had to do the pies because my husband and the boys each had their part covered. Yet, mid-thought, I smelled something burning. The boys had put the marshmallow-topped yams in the oven and gone out to play in the newly fallen snow. (That particular dish was reminiscent of a campfire experience). It turns out, some supervision is still warranted.
Though each child and each circumstance is unique and we cannot expect one technique to work every time, there are many good ideas out there. Learn a few basic strategies and creatively adapt them to your situation.
If you’d like to discuss a difficult parenting issue, call to set up a consultation.
–Dr. Mary
Some parenting resources I recommend include:
Happy Kids, Happy You by Sue Beever
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber & Mazlich
Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
What is a Parent to Do? by Glenn Latham (here is a link to a free online course)
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